Family and Relationships

Walter Heiliger was born in 1944 and grew up in rural Carroll County, Maryland, the second of three children. Walter, who describes himself as “severely hearing-impaired,” encountered difficulties in school and in connecting with others growing up, as he did not receive support for his hearing issues. Over the course of his career, Walter worked in a number of different positions at a variety of companies, including Head Ski Company and Black and Decker in Maryland and York Technical Institute and Freezing Equipment Sales in Pennsylvania. Now retired, he currently works part-time as a custodian at South York School District. Although he was aware that he was interested in men early on and had several relationships with men, he decided to marry a woman in an attempt to live a “normal” life. While the marriage was unfulfilling on many levels, Walter credits his wife for greatly improving his quality of life by getting him hearing aids and speech therapy, and it was through that marriage that Walter was able to have his three children. Walter came out in 1999, then in his mid-50s, and describes the varying levels of support he’s received from his family. Since coming out, he has slowly become more vocal in the LGBT community, joining PFLAG in Mechanicsburg for a time, attending programs for seniors through the LGBT Center, and working part-time at Altland’s Ranch in York. In this interview, Walter shares stories from his life, including his relationship with Bill, his most serious partner since coming out, who passed away in 2006. He also discusses the importance of reaching out to seniors in the LGBT community, as well as married men, and the idea of LGBT rights as a human rights issue rather than a political one.

Lori Hatch-Rivera was born in Rockville Central, New York on Long Island in 1958. After Lori’s family moved to South Florida, Lori enrolled into what is now Palm Beach Atlantic University and graduated in 1989 with a degree in history. After about ten years of teaching, Lori believed God was calling her to do ministry work and obtained her Master’s in Divinity at Florida Center for Theological Studies, and she is currently attending Lancaster Theological Seminary to fulfill her Doctorate in Ministry. She is the founder of an interfaith group located in Venice, Florida, and works closely with the LGBT Interfaith Coalition group and Equality PA. In this interview, Lori discusses familial issues surrounding her sexuality, her relationship with religion and the Metropolitan Community Church [MCC], as well as her social justice work within religious community in order to bring them greater awareness of LGBT identities. She also mentions future challenges for the LGBT community and her appreciation of Harrisburg’s tight-knit community. Today, she is married to her partner Darlene and is a Pastor at the MCC of Harrisburg.

Mary Margaret Hart and Lynn Daniels are a married lesbian couple living in Central Pennsylvania. Lynn was born in New Haven, Connecticut in 1931, while Mary was born in 1949 in Cleveland, Ohio. Throughout the interview, Mary and Lynn discuss their childhoods, how they met, and the difficulties of raising a family together in Central Pennsylvania during the 1980s. Mary, a therapist, had previously been married and had two children with her first husband, John, before meeting Lynn while completing graduate school. The couple discusses raising their daughters, Rachel and Sheila, at a time and place without other lesbian parents as role models. The two stayed active in the gay community, and they recount the differences they’ve observed growing up two decades apart, as well as what they’ve observed of their daughter Sheila’s experience, who is also gay. The couple married in 2014 after being together for 35 years.

Jerre Freiberg was raised in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. His family has close ties to the Lutheran Church, and he has remained affiliated with the church throughout his life. Jerre attended Elizabethtown College for two years before leaving to join the Navy. He remained in the Navy for 22 years, retiring in 1986. After retiring for the Navy, Jerre continued to work as Lancaster County’s budget analyst, and later as the Director of Administrative Services for the Lancaster Guidance Center. Jerre was diagnosed as HIV positive in 1992, and he subsequently became involved in several Lancaster area HIV/AIDS groups and organizations. In this interview, Jerre discusses his naval career —and being in a same-sex relationship during his years in service.  He details his experiences as being HIV positive in Lancaster, including his own work advocating for other HIV positive persons, such as being the director of the Betty Finney House which assisted low-income persons with HIV with housing needs. Jerre elaborates on some of his relationships, both before and after his HIV diagnosis. Jerre goes on to discuss changes he has seen since the early days of the AIDS crisis, and some of the challenges those who are currently HIV positive still face, particularly issues concerning senior citizens. He concludes with a reflection on changes within the LGBT community throughout his life — such as same sex marriage legalization and equality efforts.

John Folby was born in Pittsburgh in 1947. He was the oldest of five children in an Irish-Italian Catholic family. He relocated to Harrisburg in 1975 with his partner. John continues to live with his partner in Harrisburg in a relationship lasting more than 44 years. John is well-known for his activism in the LGBT community of Central Pennsylvania. In his younger days, John was involved in a Catholic group for lesbians and gays known as Dignity, and assisted in the Gay Switchboard Hotline. He began a 25-year career in a state government civil service position running a medical drug program for persons with HIV/AIDS. He continues his service to the LGBT community through consulting for the University of Pittsburgh Graduate School of Public Health which offers the Pennsylvania Mid-Atlantic AIDS Education Training Center. John’s work with HIV/AIDS has been recognized with numerous awards, and the John Folby Award for Excellence is named in his honor. He additionally volunteers for the LGBT Center of Central PA’s History project. In this interview, John not only discusses his extensive activism efforts, but also his family’s reluctance to address and accept his homosexuality, his relationship with his partner, and changes within the LGBT community within his lifetime. He also discusses his and his partner’s decision to have John adopt his partner in order to financially protect themselves and their assets when gay marriage was illegal in Pennsylvanian.

Kathy Fillman was born in Coatesville, Pennsylvania to an Irish family that had their own business. Although she describes her childhood as idyllic, Kathy lived with her grandparents and three cousins due to her mother’s alcoholism and attended a Catholic private school until the seventh grade, when she started living with her mother again. Once Kathy graduated from high school at age 18, she immediately began working in order to leave her home where alcoholism and abuse were major issues. She worked a number of odd jobs, including being an employee at Pepperidge Farm, a manager at Hess and Atlantic Refining and Marketing Corporation, and an assistant at John Barnes. In this interview, Kathy describes reconnecting with and supporting her mother, now deceased, who battled cancer on numerous occasions. She also discusses her interest in spirituality and healing, her involvement in civil rights during her 20s and 30s, as well her positive experiences with the health care industry in appropriately dealing with her and her partner’s needs. Today, Kathy is recovering from several health issues but is optimistic about her own future as well as the future for younger generations of LGBT-identified individuals.

Benjamin Dunlap was born in Lancaster County Pennsylvania on December 23, 1957. He was born to a family with a mother, father, and sister ten years older than him. Throughout his life he was highly involved with LGBT community life and in Lancaster County was one of the originators of the community center and Common Roads LGBT community awareness. He remained on the board for many years, but recently retired. He, however, is still highly involved. In this interview he talks about his childhood and how being gay influenced his life throughout school and beyond. He discusses his job atmosphere as an attorney and his marriage and life partnership to his husband, David. He also talks about different mentors he had growing up, especially Paul Kendall, a professor at Kutztown University. At the end he briefly discusses the changes he has witnessed towards gay life and the changes he would like to see regarding that and the community center.

MJ Dougherty was born on May 20, 1956 in Syracuse, New York. As a child of parents who traveled extensively for work, MJ had moved around quite a bit before settling into Williamsport, PA where she attended middle school and high school. Upon graduating from high school, MJ started her first job as a file clerk at Liberty Mutual Insurance. At the age of 24, MJ got married and was with her husband in Harrisburg for 19 years, but divorced as she addressed her true feelings as a lesbian woman. In this interview, MJ discusses the fact that at the day of her wedding she knew she was a lesbian, but that she wanted to follow the tradition of her Irish Catholic roots. She decided to free herself and claims that her marriage of 19 years is a testament to the lack of acceptance of LGBT in our society. She moved as far up the ladder as she could until she hit the glass ceiling. She quit and found a better job, at a fortune 100 company, Marsh and McLennan. MJ elaborates on her successful career path, which led her to a meeting at the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. She had dinner with some of the 290+ members of her company the night before the first plane directly hit their floor on 9/11. She provides a detailed narrative of her harrowing escape in a moving. But her return to work was worse because she was outed while coming home and her boss was enraged at her. Although she met and exceeded the company’s goals she was given a poor evaluation, which she appealed. Because there was no anti-discrimination policy at the workplace, she could not even bring up the issue at the appeal hearings. She left the job and has had a few successes with job opportunities. Her partner that she married before the Supreme Court’s ruling left her a month ago and MJ has just taken a job in Chester. MJ is a new member of Lesbians over 50, but still not out at work at her current job. She will check her company’s orientation policy and follow up if it does not have one. She said she would be an activist. Her narrative concludes with her success at being able to look at her life from a positive vantage and her ability to move forward to new opportunities.

Margaret “Peg” Dierkers was born in Cincinnati, Ohio in 1957 and attended a Catholic school as a child. She earned both a bachelor’s and master’s degree from Ohio State University, and eventually enrolled in a doctoral program in Human Development and Family Studies at Penn State University. Peg relocated to the Harrisburg area, and soon began working for the South Central AIDS Assistance Network (SCAAN), which assisted individuals and families of those with HIV/AIDS. After leaving SCAAN in 1994, Peg has continued working for other social justice causes including the Domestic Violence Coalition. In this interview, Peg discusses her relationships with both male and female partners, raising her two daughters in the Harrisburg area while involved in a lesbian relationship, and her struggle to fit into the lesbian world after her marriage to a man. Peg goes on to discuss her family’s acceptance of her sexuality, and the importance of spirituality in her life. She describes her on-going participation in the LGBT Center of Central PA’s History Project, and the importance of the Center for the LGBT community of Harrisburg.

Tammy del Sol was born in 1963. In this oral history, she discusses her college experience at several institutions, playing racquetball, her father’s (now her own) dental practice, her close-knit family, her artistic side, her relationships with different girlfriends, and her continuing friendship with her ex Jen. Tammy also talks about her relationship with their three children who were conceived through several different sperm donors, all of whom were friends of the couple.  Tammy discusses the importance of the extended LGBT family that includes friendship and relationships with exes and how this network has helped her and her former partner raise their children. Tammy identifies as a “New Ager,” someone who enjoys many aspects of different religions, but who primarily is drawn to spiritualism. Though she has run a dental practice for 22 years, she would like to pursue other business ventures after the next five or six years, which may include screenwriting. Tammy also hopes that her business will become a “home” for people in the LGBT community who otherwise would not find a place where they could feel safe. The interview also touches on current politics and the future of social justice under the Trump administration.

Nancy Datres was born in Altoona, Pennsylvania in 1948 and first moved to Harrisburg to pursue computer science after becoming blacklisted by the Altoona Police Department when she was just 27 years old. Thereafter, Nancy moved through several careers, holding positions such as a community college professor, journalist, legal writer, and lawyer. In her interview, Nancy discusses the incredible impact of her sexuality on the course of her academic and professional lives, which required her to change schools and even careers whenever an environment became too unsafe for her to stay. She illustrates several examples of harassment and discrimination in her life, as well as the inefficiency of local law enforcement, educational institutions, and court systems to help alleviate these injustices. Additionally, Nancy remarks on her difficult financial situation and her 20-year relationship and engagement with another woman. Since her first interview with the LGBT History Project, Nancy has become at peace with her sexuality, saying that after everything she’s been through, she does not care who knows she is gay.

Growing up in the conservative Lebanon County of central PA, Barbara Darkes attended grade school through the beginning of her pre-law college career without experiencing any attraction to women. It was at her summer job at the local YMCA during college that Barbara met and eventually fell in love with her long-term partner, Kathy. This same-sex relationship was the first for both of them, for neither woman had previously identified as a lesbian. Due to the conservative environment of central PA, the two women kept their relationship secret for years, which proved emotionally exhausting for both of them. Fortunately for Barbara, her work environment at McNees Wallace & Nurick, LLC, proved to be accepting and embracing of her intimacy with Kathy, and it became the site of the beginning of their coming out experiences in 2012. Although Barbara and Kathy encountered some painful disapproval during their coming out process, they also found spaces of acceptance that embraced them. The two married privately in Maryland in 2013, and they continue to have a healthy and loving relationship with each other and with Kathy’s kids. Barbara uses her position as a community organizer and as president of the LGBT Center to work towards generating a more accepting environment for LGBT people in the larger central Pennsylvania community.

John Barns was born in Perry County, Pennsylvania. He comes from a family of farmers and is Pennsylvania Dutch. He grew up on a farm, joined the military during Vietnam, and then worked for the Pennsylvania government for 30 years. He discusses his experience of being gay in a small farm community and the conflicts that arose within his family because of his sexuality. He discusses the gay community in Perry County, Lancaster, and Harrisburg, as well as relationships that developed in each. The most prominent relationship that he discusses is his relationship with Walter Lear, the Regional Health Commissioner of the Pennsylvania Department of Health. He also talks about Dignity, a Roman Catholic organization that was a refuge for gay Catholics and/or gays of any religious background in the Harrisburg area. He discusses the impact that Dignity had on the gay community in Harrisburg and as well as on him. Also, he touches on certain people in his life that helped him come to terms with his sexuality.

In this oral history, Anonymous_001 starts off discussing his family life. He states that his family life was not the best but not the worst, however after his mother left and his father developed borderline personality disorder, he decided to find ways to escape reality. He then goes on to say how his sexuality and sex cannot be disconnected from his life. After being exposed to pornography at a young age, he struggled with porn addiction throughout his adolescent and adult life. Porn introduced him to different types of sexuality and it was through porn that he discovered that he is bisexual. He discusses how his struggle with pornography led to misconceptions of what a healthy relationship looked like, as well as what a healthy sexual relationship looked like, with either a man or a woman. Consequently, his porn addiction led him to child pornography when he was 12 years old. His addiction, specifically to child pornography, continued until he was arrested in 2010 for the consumption of child pornography. After being arrested, he was admitted to a center for sexual compulsion and trauma and it was there he was told and accepted that he was addicted to sex. After his rehab was over, he was sentenced to prison for up to five years. He only served 3 ½ years, but it was during his incarceration that he had his first “real” homosexual relationship. He mentions that before this relationship, even though his friends knew he was bisexual, he had been dating a women and only acted on his homosexual desires behind closed doors in secret and through cybersex. This relationship showed him that he could have a healthy homosexual relationship if he wanted to, and that his homosexual urges did not have to be expressed only in secret. Now he is discovering himself again and discovering other people. He warns the younger generation to be careful with what they do on the internet, because the internet is not reality and will never be reality. Reality is trusting people, loving people, and accepting yourself for who you are. He also warns the younger generation that “Living alone is not a way to live and there is no reason for it.” The world is full of good people that will love you and help you, all you have to do is ask.

The Keystone newsletter was an educational and communication feature of Dignity/Central PA Inc.  Noteworthy articles in this issue:

• "From the President" (p. 2)
• "Splinters from the Board Meeting" (p. 5)
• "Election Results" (p. 6)